Running down a dream comes on the radio on the way here and nissa asks me to turn it up.

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cesaerian section

so there is a growing number of moms sporting c-section scars these days and i count myself among them. both of my daughters were refusing to come out and my body seemed fine with that because i never dilated for either (with my second i had some contractions, but no full labor; my first didn't have contractions at all). my first arrived two weeks late amidst low fluid, her cord wrapped around her neck four times, a collapsed lung and had already passed her meconium (thank goodness i didn't have to add lung infection to that mess). the second was only a week late because my OB insisted (and i agreed) not to wait to avoid the complications that happened with the first. i am grateful to by OB and to the miracle of science that is a c-section because my daughters were delivered in (relative) good health. while my ultimate choice was an un-medicated, vaginal birth, i will take healthy over my preference any day of the week. all of that said, i abhor the idea of c-section by choice and convenience. a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy should be delivered when the baby is ready, not when it works out best for the schedule of mom and/or doctor.

formula. . . dun, dun, DUN

Mission accomplished.

Nissa's unofficial first haircut. She had been playing with it; chewing on it and wrapping it around itself, so adam had to cut it out. She is due to get a real haircut one of these days. . .

bad mommy day. . .

so today marks day 6 of ani's nursing strike. it started thursday after work- i got bit a few times, then cried at and nothing. i've been cried at and pushed away for 5 full days. i know it's temporary, but it's killing me. sunday she at least took the nipple, but bit and moved on. yesterday, no luck. i tried sneaking in this morning to sleep feed, but ended up waking up both girls. ani wouldn't go for just being comforted, so i had to prep a bottle, but it didn't really satisfy her. poor nissa! when they fell asleep and i tried to sneak out the bottle i left in the room, i woke ani yet again and i could hear nissa repeating one of my wee-hour lines in a groggy, desperate voice: "it's still very dark outside, it's time to sleep." sometimes i don't give nissa enough credit- she is fantastic with ani and always tries to calm her down and help. in the car, she'll ask me to turn down the radio so she can sing the abc's: that's ani's favorite. sure enough, if ani was crying, she'll quiet down and stop with nissa's singing. you read nursing strike stories and they are often of a similar tone. . . i never knew how hard it was until i experienced it myself. it seemed like it lasted forever, but i was grateful when it was over. well, i will be grateful. . . eventually. it's hard to relax and think positive. i think i'm getting there, and they both seem to test me up to a point. . . ugh. 5 days. i hope i make it out sane!

ani, my sweet

ani is the sweetest thing. maybe because she is still a baby and usually loves to stay in my arms, or that she giggles uncontrollably if you try to kiss her neck, or that she falls asleep at my breast in such an adorable way. so you can tell she's tired if she starts pulling her hair. also, she puts the back of her wrist to her mouth (near it, not touching) and makes a sucking motion with her mouth. it's very cute and so different from nissa. nissa with her thumb and ear are so classic, but this wrist thing is intriguing. she loves nissa so much, she usually can't take her eyes off of her. yesterday at lunch she just admired nissa at the table with a big smile on her face. adam tried to get her attention, but only for a few seconds before she was back on nissa. it's cute now, but i'm sure they'll be at odds more and more as they grow. i just hope they can get back to something like that when they're older. how many 9.5 month olds do you know that play the kazoo? 'cuz ani does. adam showed her how to play one and if the mood strikes her, she goes to town. she holds it in her mouth herself (will NOT do this with a bottle or cup, mind you, grrr) and loves the noise she makes with it. hilarious. yesterday i was cooking and ani was roaming the floor. i really should keep my floors cleaner, but i don't and i feel guilty. not super guilty, mind you, just a little. i dust her off when i pick her up and make sure she doesn't eat onion skins. anyway, when she wasn't in the pantry playing with plastic bags, she discovered her reflection in the oven and dish washer.

At the grocery store, nissa and ani rode in a car cart! That's the latest demand for shopping lately. Whil nissa enjoyed her usual broccoli, ani would reach over and help herself to some too.

Ani cut her first tooth on friday! Finally. She has been teething for what feels like 3 months.
She is soo smart! About 3 weeks ago i was playing peek a boo with ani to distract her while changing her diaper. She grabbed the edge of the dipe we were playing with and covered her face herself. Then she would pull it down, then back up.
Then last weekend we went to the park with emma and her mom on friday and emma's mom showed ani the sign for milk. The very next day, ani was getting fussy and when the people we were with thought she was waving hi. i looked down, oh no. That's milk.

being bitter about kid-free couples

the choice to have kids is just that, a choice (unless you are mary of nazareth, there is always a choice- even if it means going back and choosing to abstain). if you feel yourself haggard after having kids - but not emotionally rewarded for your efforts, i think you're doing it wrong. sure, kids are a ton of work, but they are also a ton of fun (the ratio shifts, but i'm fairly certain in the end it favors the fun side). if you choose not to have kids, good for you! kids are a commitment that you dedicate the rest of your life to. oh, and the point of being a couple? not procreation. it's sharing your life with another, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves as humans. sure, the better gift is that of offspring, but since it's not one easily returned, it's one that should be given with consideration.

love my kiddos

of course, ani is just remarkable. been eating table food voraciously, sitting up OK (though watch out for a face plant occasionally), sleeping like an angel. and now, crawling. sure, she's been rolling around like a log, doing a fabulous chameleon. but now there's a distinct forward movement via army crawl happening and we are officially the proud parents of a mobile baby. woo hoo! nissa is not without her remarkableness too. the other day we had disney channel on and mickey mouse clubhouse came on. like every episode, this one started with mickey asking the "audience" if you'd like to come in to the clubhouse. i always watch nissa when shows do this (we don't watch shows like this often, adam and i find it awkward and dumb) and this time she shook her said and said uh-uh. i just about laughed out loud and could not share this with adam fast enough. that's right, nissa. don't let the tv tell YOU what to do! this morning, like many mornings lately, in the wee hours nissa gets up to go pee and insists that she cannot go back to sleep in her own bed. adam caves and lets her in (grumble, grumble, i have to get up in 40 minutes). while she's laying between us, she reaches out and pokes me in the eye. then she says, "i love you, mommy and daddy." awww. you're lucky, kid, cuz had you not said that, i was tempted to throw you out of bed. love you too, nissa.

randoms

i'm back on the mortal woman level. it stinks, but such is life. was hoping nursing would delay that cycle a little longer! ani was up on all fours last night, unassisted by leverage. she had done it before, pushing back against her crib, for example, but yesterday it was freestanding! cool. she loves to be on the floor and apparently uses her arms a lot, because she can end up several feet from her starting point, but moving backwards! now that she is up on all fours, she's doing the chameleon: rocking back and forth. nissa used to do it (i'm sure most babies do) and adam and i got a kick out of it, then and now. another blast from the past was watching ani do a little masthead. when i was putting nissa's make up on for her first june show, she said "like grandma" and i said, yep, just like her. i tried to be conservative and it showed, considering you could hardly tell in photos. i asked her to give me a ballet pose for the photo, it was kinda funny. nissa did a great job at her recital. i know for a fact that i was more nervous than she was. i tried desperately to volunteer to help, but was not taken up on the offer. maybe next year. nissa was a far cry from the ham in another number (she was pretty cute) but she did her dance well, didnt' clam up and only sucked her thumb when she came out for the performance-wide bow. i'll take it. i'm hoping nissa will cut back on sucking her thumb soon, but i worry it may not be something she can give up easily. her bottom teeth are at a backward angle and i'm fairly certain it's because of this habit. i'm trying to curb the behavior during day time hours, but at night, when i sneak in to nurse ani, she does it in her sleep and it shows just how ingrained the behavior is. yesterday morning i got up to nurse ani a lot later than usual (risky!) and while i was nursing her, nissa half woke up and sat in the rocking chair next to me. i suggested she stay in bed, but she insisted. she then rocked a little and proceeded to fall asleep in the chair, half asleep, half awake. i talked her into it eventually, but it was so weird. recently we watched a show where they used baby powder to see laser beams. nissa asked if baby powder was made from babies. no dear, FOR babies, not FROM babies. the girls are doing a fantastic job of sleeping together in the same room. it only took a night or two until nissa couldn't possibly sleep by herself. getting both into bed around the same time and preventing them from keeping each other awake has been a challenge, but eventually they both go to sleep most nights after a few minutes. ani has been sleeping like such a champ! even when i know she's working on some teeth (the constant gnawing and drooling tipped me off), she goes to sleep pretty easily and takes 2-3 naps a day. i wonder if sharing a room (with us at first, then nissa) really does help. nissa got the hang of it eventually, but i remember being so stressed and challenged by getting her to bed. i think i'll just be grateful and leave it at that. nissa continues to adjust to being a big sister. although she does act out, when we take a step back for better perspective, it's quite endearing. she needs more help lately for stuff she can do well on her own (getting dressed, bathroom needs) and for a while, was crawling into bed with us at night. she did so again two nights ago: prying herself into the space between my pillow and the wall. i'm trying to make a concerted effort to play with her and give her extra hugs. ani gets lots of hugs and kisses, since she's in my arms a lot, but i need to spread the love around. i still struggle with my general lack of productivity at home. work is ok, but man, home is rough. the kitchen is constantly in disarray, laundry is hit or miss and i can't think of the last time i changed our sheets. but if i'm going to be unproductive, i am trying to do more fun stuff at least, like laying down with ani on the floor to chat and pretending to be a lion with nissa. even the little things, like weekly bunny pictures for ani, are hard to keep up with. ugh. it doesn't help that nissa continuously points out things too, like the bulbs that need replacing on the porch, the broken foot on the frog in the bathroom; yes, dear, i haven't done that yet. thanks. grrrr. i'm also struggling with my weight. i don't feel right and my wardrobe is limited and ill-fitting. i'm trying to be more active (though hard with the heat and work and kids) and eat better, but i have little to show for it and a little progress would be really great. once again, nissa has embraced a movie she watched. we went to see madagascar 3 with maggie and peter and ever since, she has been alex the lion. in the yard, she climbs up on a little pile of dirt and proclaims to be king of new york city. she dances, poses and roars. she is something else. i'm curious to see what she does after seeing brave. i really want to see that movie. hopefully we will, before it leaves the theaters.

out of town

being the mother of two has taken a toll on being able to record my thoughts as i experience this life. because my memory is a known weakness, i would like to doucment as much as possible, since i'm not convinced i'll be able to reminisce effectively on my own (adam's not always with me). maybe i'll just pick a weekly time? winging it doesn't seem to be working and there's lots of times i've thought about writting something down. so today, a friend said: "a grown woman should not be this upset that her parents are moving out of state." i dealt with the same thing. your mind says "my parents are adults and free to do/live where it makes them happy. i am adult and want them to be happy" but your heart says "i want my mommy and daddy close". it sucks, but there are worse things in life.

While ani just chews on her bunny.

Nissa playing with two kids at the park. The boy rejected her twice, rather harshly, but that didnt stop her. She is something else. after discussing with adam, we're not sure how to explain the difference between being a determined nice person and winning someone over, and the desire to spend time with a jerk. since she didnt' know the boy was a jerk when she first approached him, i think we're ok for now.

Ani rolled over all on her own, from belly to back.

Nissa: mommy, i was just talking to a ladybug in the grass!

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my amazing daughters

my daughters-sssssss. the girls-ssssssssss. it's hard to get used to, saying the plural is still taking some getting used to. nissa: she was playing a game with grandma that involved her stuffed pumpkin and a plastic toy frying pan. 1) she'd throw the pumpkin with the pan with surprising accuracy. 2) she could swing the pan and connect with the pumpkin when it was thrown to her. impressive. later, when we were playing girl rockstar band (with a new "microphone" toy), i had to first clarify that yes, girls can be rock stars. duh. then we were in a band together. the tambourine got boring, so i showed nissa how to play air-guitar. check. then she took the next step for our performance in front of ani: got her imaginary "friends" in on the air-instrument kick by bringing in keyboards, another couple of guitars and a drummer. btw, i feel the need to note that the frequent name of her "best friend" is leela. ani: has been kinda rolling over lately. she can get 90' easy, but with assistance can do 180' rotations. it's that dang shoulder always getting in the way. she'll get there, though.

ani rolling over, kinda

so to keep nissa in bed as successfully as we can, ani remains sleeping in the bassinet in our room. in all fairness, this has been good for me, allowing me to quickly change and feed her at night with minimal interruption of my sleeping. being back to work a few weeks now, every extra minute i can get is golden. so last night ani slept for about 6 hours and woke up (or woke me up, i guess) around 4:30. by 5:00 she was back in bed, but awake. by 6;00, she was still stirring, so i waited to get up (yes, i was late for work as a result). when she was quiet, i walked past to find her not on her side as i left her, but on her tummy. that is a most-impressive quarter turn! she's turned from her back to her side a few times now (just giving those legs a solid heave-ho) but this took some work! good job, kiddo! speaking of good jobs, nissa's been taking great pride in not using her potty seat. she holds herself up, hovering over the toilet. it was cute at first, but has it's drawbacks, like her not being able to wipe herself easily. . . but i will continue to act impressed, as any progress in any area is still a gold star in my book and i want to encourage her determination in any way i can. and what am i good at lately? hmmm. not much. but i should be moving a little faster, since i have racing stripes! yes, i have a select few glistening silver hairs on my head, strategically placed along my part so they are extra visible. nissa thinks they're cool, i'm amused but otherwise indifferent. although, it would be nice if they weren't so crazy-textured. they are totally different from my smooth, straight, brown hair.

Wow. Ani just slept for 7 hours straight. I really needed that. Now, if only i could have gotten myself to bed with her, i, too could have had 7 hours of sleep!

mommy weight

trying really hard not to feel discouraged. two weeks ago, i re-instituted a 15 min morning work out on the elliptical. i weighed myself this morning and found myself 3 pounds heavier. grrrr. did i mention i also walk up the 3 flights of stairs in the parking garage? and that i've also been trying to eat/snack less and get more veggies in? why did i re-institute this? because i'm so overweight that my pregnancy aches and pains have not dissipated. i still struggle with occasional sciatic pain and have a hard time walking, going up stairs, sometimes even getting off the couch. not only do those simple things now suck, the worse part is i can't keep up with nissa as well as i should. i was tempted to give up this morning, but stuck to it for no other reason than the elliptical time is a great morning wake up. i won't let this beat me, but man, is it tempting. gotta find new ways to work in exercise. changing my eating habits is tricky, given the constant nursing munchies, but i'm going to keep an eye on that too. i'm too young to have this much discomfort from being overweight.

She wont admit it any more, but one day nissa put her seashell to her ear and was talking. I was informed she was talking to her mermaid friend on her shell phone. Hilarious.

productive, but a long way to go

so the last three mornings have been delightfully productive, taking multitasking to a whole new level. after nursing ani and putting her back to bed, i set myself up to pump, grab my ipad and head for the eliptical. i work out for about 15 minutes, check email and pump a stand by bottle for adam. i don't know that he's ever needed it, but i'd hate to not do it one day and that be the day he needs it. besides, it's always good to keep up production. not that i'm lacking in any way. . . i've already taken over a full shelf in the big freezer for milk storage. it struck me just the other day that i am storing up, stock piling even, bodily fluids. eewww. but for a good cause. when my life is hectic beyond belief and i feel very useless, at the end of the day i can be confident in the fact that i am helping my little girl be strong and healthy in a way only i can do for her. just when i think nissa is mostly fine with being a big sister and more or less content with how we've been taking time to play with and pay attention to her, acting out rears its ugly head. the crayons have become a tool of destruction, affecting ani's bottle, nissa's magna doodle, the slide, even the couch. the couch really sent me over the edge, combined with the fact that adam couldn't witness the offense due to his color blindness. grrr. i hope this is a short phase, because i don't think i have the patience to deal with this kind of behavior effectively. other than that, nissa has been such a great big sister; always helping out and starting to appreciate ani more as she becomes less of a baby and a lot more interactive. I took a fun video of them last night and posted it on flickr. it's hard to hear ani's laughs, but she is laughing right along with Nissa. Ani gets the biggest smile when Nissa is in the room and can't take her eyes off of her! It's great to watch. Ani is a happy baby, just like Nissa was, so it makes being a mom pretty easy and I couldn't be more grateful.

You dont have to be camping to be a happy camper

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Wtf. Why would nissa blurt out, as we are driving, "I'm too pretty for those losers."?

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sad, sad, sad

while today was great with fabulous weather, it also brought some very sad news: my high school i attended will be closed in june. my hopes to send my two girls there to get the supportive, challenging and rewarding experience that i enjoyed are shattered. to my fellow suzies, we should mourn the fact that our numbers are officially limited and the world will no longer be molded by the power that is scholastica graduates.

2 things

1. who blasts talk radio? an older woman just rolled up in front of my house BLASTING some AM station. i pity her obvious lack of hearing.

2. found out something interesting about nissa today. ani was crying in the car and nissa said something about "peek a boo", to which i responded yes, that would probably make ani stop crying. nissa clarified that that is what she does when she has a nightmare, to stop herself from crying. she plays peek a boo with herself. interestingly self-reliant move. i like it.

out and about

i started my day by letting nissa know that we were going to meet my friend rocio for lunch. "rocio? i LOVE rocio, she has curly hair just like me!" we slowly, but surely made our way out the door and caught the bus to the el. yes, ani is strapped to my person and nissa walked on her own. we enjoyed a lunch on the famed pedway, picked up a birth certificate for ani, visited rocio's office and took the scenic way to the brown line. the irving bus stop was full of high school students, so we grabbed a crepe to buy some time. we then took the bus to revere park, where nissa made a friend to run around with and play in the dirt. we walked home from there. it was an unseasonably warm, though very windy, day and we really enjoyed it to the fullest. nissa got blown over a little, but we made it home in one piece. ani was a real trooper the whole time and patiently wen along for the ride.

happy 35th to me

today i celebrated 35 wonderful years of life with my wonderful family. ani gave me the first gift of the day by giving me a good night's rest. technically, adam gave the first gift on thursday when he gave an ipad. it's so fun, but i have to share it with nissa. adam got up and went straight to work on a birthday cake with nissa's help. by her insistance, they made a vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and vanilla pudding inside. adam added cherries to the pudding, just to mix things up a bit. it was decorated with purple frosting and lots of sprinkles. it looked great and tasted great too. last, but not least, armin and annette gave us the gift of a home-made armenian feast with ismir kefta, pilaf and green beans. fantastic!

we are so grateful to our friends for a baby swing. Not only does ani like it, but the box makes an excellent play fridge for nissa.

Mom, it's stinky. Yes dear, it's because we are in indiana.

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I think we are doing ok. Nissa insisted ani sit next to her at dinner last night.

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Angels are pretty, they have sparkles on them.

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At dinner: i love noodles! L V E love! Wow, almost. L o V E, how did you know how to spell that? I sounded iit out. Ok then.

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My monarch butterfly friend is in her chrysalis to sleep (butterfly finger puppet rolled up in her hand).

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Oh, my girls. Ani is two weeks old today! Here they are together on the crib. ai is up to 9lbs even and her long, gangly stump fell off today. She even mostly slept last night. She has been a bit of a night owl, but with her having her eyes open longer each day, we are taking advantage and trying to keep her up. My goal is to get her in Nissa's schedule. We are even going to give the cloth dipes another run, now that the stump is gone. Life is good and its so much fun being home with my family. We have time to do things together and keep our house tidy. All in two hour intervals, of course :o

Off to make the donuts. . . I mean have a baby.

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